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I have felt tired a lot lately.  Not of the "not enough sleep" variety (thank you, God), but the other kind.  The feeling too old for my age type.  The weariness that doesn't just come at the end of the day, but greets you in the morning too.
I was asking the Lord, "Why?" just the other day.  He never fails to answer when we ask genuinely.

This morning was particularly trying with Julia and Ellie.  Really, lots of us were a bit testy, so I won't name any more names.
As I was getting Julia ready for her nap I looked at how tired she was, and has been lately, and thought; "it is very hard feeling like you have to defend your territory all of the time, isn't it?"

Which is when it occurred to me that that might be why I am so tired too.  What territory have I felt the need to defend?  My rights? My desires? My agendas?  Yep, those are always in the way of peace. 
An additional one, unique to the moment though was the thought that I, like Julia, was also trying to reclaim the old normal.  Longing for it to somehow return - with Ellie, of course - but return to where I felt we had been. 
It won't. 
It will be, as I told Maggie before they came home, a new normal.  All hellos seem to have a good-bye involved too, have you noticed?  An element of grief mixed with joy.  I've never seen it pure one or the other in this life.   

Just acknowledging that in the midst of the delight of having Ellie home, there is an element of mourning too is somehow relieving.  Letting go of the relentless pursuit to "get to normal", well that might take me more time.

A date!

Today Serge and I had our first date since they returned from China! 

We headed off in the truck to take an old mattress and box springs to the transfer station (a pleasant euphemism for the dump).  After unloading that on the "tipping floor" we got sandwiches at Zero's subs and then headed to Lowe's for mortar.  He asked me why I didn't wear the pearls he brought back for me from China.  "Gee, honey, I don't know?"

Updating - or not really.

I have been wanting to write something for awhile....praying for one of those God given bursts of brilliance(ha,ha), but nothing has come.   It is hard to explain how it is that I can have a million thoughts bouncing around in my head and in my heart but somehow nothing to say at the same time.  Nonetheless, that is where I am.  And Ginger will understand what I mean by that even if no one else does.

I think part of the problem is, there are a number of little sad motifs in our life and I am not always sure what to do with them.  Some of them are not really my story to tell, although they affect me deeply.  Some things I just don't have the words for yet.
I don't really want to bother writing a blog though that might "inspire" a few but predominantly annoy most with it's well-staged photos and ever-happy writings.  If God is to be glorified in this, or in any other aspect of my life, it has to be on His terms.  And, His terms, do not, for the most part, look particularly neat or organized or pretty.  Any ten minutes of Bible reading will show you that.  He actually seems most apt to show up in some of the ugliest moments, in the most unlikely circumstances, in short, in the messiest places of our lives.

So, we are plugging along.  I think people are adjusting.  I think that is very much still a present tense verb in our lives.  I think that it includes all six of us.  I think it could have been a lot harder than it has been.  I also think it has been harder than I thought or, more accurately, that different things are hard than I expected.  By grace perhaps though, there is little time to think about it.  Mostly, I feed people.  Then I clean up after them.  Then they are usually hungry again.  Sometimes I just skip the part about cleaning up. 

While I am on that topic I want to thank three more people who have contributed to the mostly endless endeavor of feeding us!  Kathy, who has a sewing blog, but really ought to have a cooking blog, brought us a chef salad with this scrumptious homemade Parmesan peppercorn dressing that I virtually licked out of the bottle when we finished it up!  Amye, who is particularly good at finding great recipes, brought us chicken and rice and steamed carrots and something called Scottish Oat cakes, which were an absolute delicious tasting cross between bread and cookies.  Sharon brought what she termed comfort food.  A delicious chicken casserole and salad and cookies!  The most comforting thing though was having someone else think of it and fix it, don't you think?  Thank you sweet people for loving on us in such sweet and tangible ways!!

A different kind of relationship

Here is the thing I think people should wonder about:  How is it different parenting an adopted child as opposed to your biological child? 
Maybe not people in general, but perhaps I should have thought about it more. 
Serge and I were our usual selves on this matter (that being a compliment in neither case on this point) and assumed it would be the same.  We were called to adopt, we would get her, we weren't going to change our mind after we had her no matter what ergo our feelings would be the same for all four of our children and our parenting style also the same.

It isn't - the parenting style part.  I love Ellie.  If the house is burning down I am going to grab her as fast as I grab Julia (although at the moment she would likely fare better as she is still in our room....).   But she feels, in many ways, like someone else's child still.  Less so as times goes on - perhaps to ultimately not feel even a tiny bit that way I pray - but definitely now. She has habits that I am not use to, she smells different to me, she eats things I would never have fed my children, she has needs I have never had to meet before.  I would be lying to tell you those things don't make any difference. 

A small example, we never let our kids suck their fingers or thumbs.  I do not have any Pharisaical hang up on the matter, you go right ahead and let your children do whatever you want, I simply can not stand to hold some one's hands with drool on them.  Even my own children.  So it was just not something that I ever let start.  That was what pacifiers were for.  Pacifiers have two ends - the drooly side for the child and the handle for the adult.  I am a fan of that kind of division.  Ellie, however,  sucks on her fingers, well mostly sort of chews.  I do not like it but hesitate to hinder it, after all perhaps it was the only comfort she had, right?

And, that, in a nutshell, is what makes parenting Ellie different than the other three.  The theme can range from the significant to the mundane - from would I let Julia cry in this situation to would I let Julia eat that cheerio off of the floor.  Any tears they do cry come with a lot more baggage.  No matter how good the decision is for the child or for the family, you always say to yourself, how many unnecessary tears has she already shed?  All of the decisions you make tend to breed this kind of second guessing.  Would I make the same choice if it were Julia?  Am I putting Ellie in the car seat first because her protest is less vocal than Julia's today?  It can be endless and downright silly.

Except that it isn't.

So we pray for Grace and Wisdom and then some more Grace - for Ellie and for the other three.  Without which we are most decidedly doomed to failure.

Week One!

It has been one week of having every member of the family in the same hemisphere!  A friend asked me if it felt longer or shorter than that.  I am not sure.  I have been surprised at how tired I have been.  I didn't even fly half way around the world, and yet I feel jet-lagged some days!

I could complain about the little things that I knew to expect would drive me crazy.  Like the fact that the suitcases remain on the living room floor half unpacked. 

Or that I rarely return people's phone calls (did you notice?), although I very much appreciate them. 

Or that I feel like all I accomplish on any day is to feed people.  It is a nearly endless stream of feeding and cleaning up.  We use so many dishes it is unbelievable!

Second breakfast all cleaned up.

Lunch just finished.

Monday was my maiden voyage with two toddlers by myself.  It took 25 minutes to get in the car with everything and only two-thirds of us cried at any point so I think I will consider it successful.  All we needed to do was pick up James from chemistry class, thank goodness.   

Yesterday my parents came for a visit with a cooler of food.  Not just any food, but my dad's food, which is incredible. 

Everyone I know who has eaten anything he makes thinks he should have opened a restaurant.  It is true.  Marinara sauce and meatballs (carefully separated to appeal to both the vegetarians and carnivores in the family), twice baked potatoes, seafood creole, chicken salad and even bread!  All of it frozen in meal size portions for future use.  My mother says food is my dad's love language - apparently he loves us a lot!!  She brought flowers she grew for the table and her usual enthusiasm for all that we are doing.  I am so blessed to have such a great relationship with my parents.  It helps that they think all of my children are amazing, even the newest one.

How it's going....

Everyone wants to know.

It is going well, I think.  It is an adjustment, of course.  The guys are very jet-lagged and that has been harder than I thought, even though everyone told me it would be.  Julia has done well with Ellie.  Sometimes she looks like the hostess with the house guest that won't go home, but most of the time she seems pretty good.  Ownership of certain items have been well declared, but once noted are usually shared with Ellie freely.  Ellie has some odd eating habits compared to my other children, but that is to be expected and they are easily forgiven their inconvenience because she has let me sleep through two of her three full nights home

We have enjoyed visits from Nona and Pepere (Serge's parents) and our friends, the Powells.  Thank you to the friends who have been feeding us!!  Mary who humbles me by showing up at Serge's work with her own two children under three and enough homemade lasagna to feed a crowd.  Michelle and her six children sharing amazing black bean chimichangas.  And Christine, a fellow adoptive mom herself, bringing us roasted chicken and vegetables. 
Adopting is not the easiest way to get people to bring you meals, but boy do we appreciate it. 

There are more difficult things to say, of course, and as soon as I find beautiful words for them I will write.  I want to be honest in all ways.

Some of Maggie's photography to make the blog pretty ...

  Julia "helping" with Ellie's bath.

Good Morning.

Serge falling asleep giving Ellie her bedtime bottle!

"Package Delivered"

That is what Serge said to me at the airport last night (this morning) when their plane landed at 1:35 a.m.  They were exhausted and emotional and it was wonderful!  We all were finally in bed by 3:30a.m.! 

Thank you precious people for praying for us and all of the aspects of this trip.  Thank you to you sweet people who tried to greet us at the airport - Matt and Tom and Sherri and Tom and Margie and Ken and Trisha - oh how I wish that had been the homecoming but Ellie looked overwhelmed enough so maybe this was best.  Thank you Caroline for going above and beyond the call of friendship and hanging with us until the end!!!  I can not imagine this journey without you. 

And, yes, we would love for you to visit or call.  If we decide to sleep, we will turn off the phone and lock the doors.