I ran into a link for a blog post the other day entitled, "When you are not Excited about Having a Baby". I ran right over there, not passing go or collecting $200!
The woman shared, graciously, about her ambiguity over her recent surprise pregnancy, how her current children are 6 and 4 years old and how far apart this next one will be. After I stopped laughing about that, I read the comments that followed from other readers.
It seems she and I are not alone.
I never wrote about my own experiences here in that regard. I think with Julia I could not admit to myself how conflicted I was. By the time Ellie arrived, I was barely functioning, let alone processing why I was barely functioning.
But when Julia and Ellie came along, I was not as ready as I thought.
I did not realize how attached I had become to my "when I am done homeschooling ...." muses and dreams.
I did not realize there would be things to grieve.
I did not know how lonely I would feel when my friends were moving "forward" into their post-kids phase of life while I started over.
I did not expect the number of negative comments I received about my pregnancy from friends and acquaintances, or the embarrassment I felt when they did come.
I did not anticipate the number of strangers who would query as to whether the same father had sired this third one as the first two, and whether we were surprised, and "may I ask, how old ARE you anyway?"
I did not expect such a beautiful concept as adoption to be so hard.
I did not think I looked old enough to be any one's grandparent, but apparently I did, and I do.
I did not think these blessings could knock my marriage almost completely over.
I did not realize how isolated and incapacitated one could be when they are burdened with shame over such feelings.
I decided that if we were to home school next year (and no, I don't know yet), I should work on things during preschool time that would be difficult or impossible to do if they were home.
Baby books definitely made the list.
Let's just say, it was not my favorite Jesus story.
I understand why Jesus was frustrated. He had told them they were going to the other side, that should have been enough. He was there, and that should have been enough. He was completely at peace, that should have told them something.
I wish I had handled it all better.
I wish my response had been one of faith and not fear.
I wish I had trusted the Lord to work all things together.
I can not change the pictures, or really the stories behind them is what I long to change, but I hope I will walk the next six years with greater faith, than I did the past six.
I hope I can let Jesus sleep in my boat