Friday, March 30, 2012
I have felt tired a lot lately. Not of the "not enough sleep" variety (thank you, God), but the other kind. The feeling too old for my age type. The weariness that doesn't just come at the end of the day, but greets you in the morning too.
I was asking the Lord, "Why?" just the other day. He never fails to answer when we ask genuinely.
This morning was particularly trying with Julia and Ellie. Really, lots of us were a bit testy, so I won't name any more names.
As I was getting Julia ready for her nap I looked at how tired she was, and has been lately, and thought; "it is very hard feeling like you have to defend your territory all of the time, isn't it?"
Which is when it occurred to me that that might be why I am so tired too. What territory have I felt the need to defend? My rights? My desires? My agendas? Yep, those are always in the way of peace.
An additional one, unique to the moment though was the thought that I, like Julia, was also trying to reclaim the old normal. Longing for it to somehow return - with Ellie, of course - but return to where I felt we had been.
It will be, as I told Maggie before they came home, a new normal. All hellos seem to have a good-bye involved too, have you noticed? An element of grief mixed with joy. I've never seen it pure one or the other in this life.
Just acknowledging that in the midst of the delight of having Ellie home, there is an element of mourning too is somehow relieving. Letting go of the relentless pursuit to "get to normal", well that might take me more time.